Ok sport, you’ve got a job and now they need you to go on the road. It’s possible you’ve never seen the world, outside of that one college trip you can never, ever talk about and now someone wants to pay you to do it? AWESOME SAUCE ON THAT, YES. Well then go out and travel for a bit and get the novelty out of your system, go ahead… I’ll wait.

Alright, novelty gone? Spent enough time hungover with coworkers? Wife pissed off enough? You’re over 30? You’ve seen Detroit? Good; you’re ready.

#1 The Ol’ Switcheroo. One of the biggest risks to your health and sanity is young guys who always want to party at night. It doesn’t matter if you closed three bars the night before, got chased around by hotel security until the sun came up, and then worked a 12 hour day in beautiful Akron.  A single guy in his twenties will still want to party. It starts like this; “Hey, want to grab a quick drink?” the feral single guy will suggest, gesturing with his thumb at the hotel bar. “Uh, I need sleep,” you’ll reply. “Oh I’m sorry Alice, I thought I was talking to Dave, c’mon, one beer, don’t be lame.” “Fine one beer.” If you stay this course, there will be shots, and then the bad decision to grab a cab and check out Akron again will have been made.

Now here is the trick. When he’s taking a piss, you pay the tab and add another beer for him and a couple strong cocktails for the most desperate and aggressive looking single woman in the bar. And tell the bartender it’s for her from your friend who’s “shy.” that ought to keep him busy. Be sure to pass him as he’s returning and say, “hey I have to call my wife real quick.  I’ll be right back.”  Peace and quiet achieved.

#2 The Evil Irish Ghost. This one works great when you’re stuck with a group and need to escape because things are getting out of hand. Pull it out the minute people start ordering shots and you see the evening snowballing into a frat party at a bar called “Outlaw Saloon” in Cheyenne. This is an easy one – you go to the bathroom and never come back. Be sure to send another round of shots to your group, because it’s the polite thing to do. Also, this way you look and perform better than anyone else the next day! Can you say promotion? Shots anyone? None for me, thanks, I gotta piss.

Sometimes it’s better to leave the bar than to stay.

#3 Speeding Through TSA/Customs. If you are returning from certain countries where there is a heavy drug trade, the customs process can be excruciatingly slow, and filled with awkward questions.

The trick: look for surfers. Once you spot a group of “Ex-Presidents,” try to blend with them. It’s easier if you plan ahead and dress the part. Basically mess up your hair and fake either an Aussie accent or generic Cali-Ninja-Turtle. Surfers are always coming back from tropical locations, usually act like space-cadets and are always screwing around. Your instinct might be to avoid them,  but as far as customs is concerned, they are a harmless annoyance nobody wants to deal with. Hang with them, and get waved by without a second look. No surfers on your flight? The other trick is fall in behind someone who is begging to be searched by looking like a bad movie villain; or an infrequent flier with shit all over the place who will take forever to search. If there are multiple TSA at the table, you can count on getting waved around those guys to keep the line moving.

#4 Red Flags: Your traveling companion takes his wedding ring off as soon as he gets on the plane.  Even worse, your traveling companion just got divorced. Your traveling companion is on twelve weird self imposed food restrictions and you’re going to the South. “Why can’t we find a decent raw vegan macro place in Biloxi?”  Your traveling companion has so many prescriptions, his bag sounds like a maraca player got trapped in it.

#5 Stealth Hookers.  If you’re a little naive, like me, watch out for stealth hookers. The weirdly nice woman who keeps chatting you up in a casino in Puerto Rico is not the video poker hospitality lady. She does not work at the casino. Well, ok, she works at the casino, just not for the casino. Stealth hookers do not look like street walkers; they look like casino hospitality staff. And when you finally realize what the deal is, it’s really awkward. And they never come back with the Cuba Libre you ordered… LIKE AN HOUR AGO.