If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time in hotel rooms. I work in the film and television industry, which often entails going on “location”. The mere mention of the word location around our home has been known to cause Dr. Wife to climb the walls to the point that I have to jab at her with a broom handle to get her down from the ceiling fan. I get her frustration, but it’s not all hyjinks and pillow mints for me, either. For a taste, I give you: Whiskey’s Honest Reviews of Memorable Hotel Rooms in the US and Beyond.

1. Ramada Inn, Charlotte, North Carolina. The prostitute screaming at a “John” who stiffed her (twice, apparently. heh) from the second story railing was a thoughtful and unique welcome. I found that the courteous staff had been so concerned with security for their guests that they had re-secured the door’s chain lock several times to get it right. But I’m sorry to say they should hire a professional carpenter, because it’s best to unscrew the thing rather than rip it from the frame. This could give a less experienced traveler the impression that the door had been kicked in several times. Also, I really appreciated the consistent slant in the curtain rods; that kind of design detail goes unnoticed by most, but not me, I was a liberal arts major! I piled all my gear cases against the door so I wouldn’t forget them!

Waiting until dawn to run for it.

2. Airport HoJo, Las Vegas, Nevada: New Years Eve 2001. Way to mix it up! It’s so pedestrian to leave a mint on the pillow, you guys went the extra mile and left a bright orange pubic hair instead. I particularly enjoyed jesting with the clerk about it when he said it might be mine! I haven’t been into clown sex for years!  Please don’t think it was your stellar service that caused us to jump in a car at 2am half-crazed, peel out of your driveway and drive 60 miles to a nameless motel in the middle of the desert to sleep. Although, that pit at least had working heat.

3. Venetian Hotel Las Vegas, Nevada. Can I be entombed in the suite I had there? A light up marble bar, four televisions and a bathtub I could play water polo in. I actually felt good while losing at craps.

4. Not sure if it has a name. Redwood City, California. I’ve been to some fancy hotels in my life, some that actually ask you what level of ass kissing you require: corporate, judicial, or congressional. Your hotel was lovely. Anyway, I hate to be “that guy” but your concierge, “County,” tried to sell my friend rock cocaine after we checked in. And then, when a cop car drove by, he… ahem…he keistered it, and dove out a window. The lady (hospitality manager?) who stayed behind was very friendly, and promised to come by after she finished doing a “trick”. It’s great that your establishment supports street magicians! Sadly, we suddenly felt the need to change establishments to one more conveniently located and weren’t able to check out the pool.

5. Every Hampton Inn ever. Can you please stop putting black and white pictures of bushels of oranges in the elevators. You’re freaking me out. I hate it so much. I don’t know why, but it’s like it sucks the life out of the universe. The beds are very comfy, and I’m into the waffle bar.

6. The Block. Big Bear CA. I offer my sincere apologies. The crew was drinking, like, a lot. It was Saul’s birthday and you know how he gets. To be fair, you probably should have secured the stripper pole into a stud or beam, not just drywall. The free PBR when you check in was fantastic if, in retrospect, not the best idea for our particular group. Thanks for that. PS quick tip: if you’re going to have bean bag chairs in a hotel room do not go with a fabric that shows stains easily.

7. Conrad Hilton. San Juan Puerto Rico. Can you say “rum-punch” because your bartender, Christian, is a master of it. I’ve never been so loyal to one hotel barman in my life, much less for a week straight. Also great mini water park you have there. Please don’t lock the controls to the water slide after 10pm, we had to haul god knows how many soaked towels up a ladder to make the thing work. Stellar service, and very tolerant! Highly recommend. Again, brilliant rum punch.

8. The Drake. Chicago IL. The cheering from your clientele as my friend and I arm wrestled for a $300 bar tab makes this a “must stay” every time I’m in the windy city and someone else is paying! Also excellent crab cakes and a superb if small room. I get it, old hotels generally housed smaller people or something.