Orange Night Yowler: Native to my hallway, this furry companion will remain silent during all normal hours of human activity and is an acceptable mouser. However in the wee predawn hours it, like all Yowlers will wander the halls of a residence loudly attempting to learn to speak human. Frequently confused with the Furry Siren of Carrey, the Peruvian Mountain Shrieker, and a damned ghost.
Southern Lithuanian Closet Lurker: Often mistaken for its cousin the Hamper Napper. Easily identified by it’s glowing eyes as one reaches for a towel. Known to startle overnight guests, and like the Hamper Napper it may occasionally experience a ride on the “Maytag Express”.
Floofy Minelayer: A stealthy, breed recognized both by its distinctive call, a sound not unlike that of a mid-sized rodent being strangled, and by the oblong gifts of wet, tangled hair left in well worn pathways (at night) or on the edges of hard to clean furniture (during the day). Those who live in close proximity to Floofy Minelayers are advised to always wear slippers for midnight trips to the bathroom. Also sometimes the ordinance left by the Minelayer is not hair based.
Norwegian Ankle Shredder: Usually camouflaged as a Soft Sleeper or Languid Lounger, the devious Ankle Shredder lies in wait, feigning disinterest or even slumber, until a bare ankle passes within striking distance. Able to incapacitate much larger prey with its lightning fast reflexes and razor sharp claws, Shredders love the smell of blood and complacency.
Texan Rug Wrecker: The “TRW” is a special and all too common domestic feline that often displays a pathological disdain for floor coverings. The beast can somehow determine the value and/or difficulty in cleaning these furnishings and will either shit or claw them based on cost. Also this quirky feline seems to enjoy Lifetime movies, and will become aggressive if someone wants to watch sports, or changes the brand of food it eats.
Cleveland Spinster Tabby: These cats are rarely found alone, and are often encountered in packs of three or more, usually in dilapidated mobile homes or unattractive apartment complexes. The primary goal of this breed seems to be monopolizing the attention of a human and preventing them from increasing their own pack. Very diabolical and not to be trusted. Also known as the “Free Kitten” in front of grocery stores. A close relative of the YFC. (mentioned later)
Persian Allergen: Note this breed is not actually from Iran, but seems to have spontaneously occurred at a cat show in Wisconsin. This highly affectionate cat is particularly fond of sleeping on the heads of owners. It seems capable of immediately recognizing a visiting person with a cat allergy and attaching itself to them. Sometimes confused for a Face Dabber or Hair Licking Burmese. If locked in a room to help a guest with allergies it will display behavior similar to the Orange Night Yowler mentioned above.
Domestic Face Dabber: Easily mistaken for a run of the mill domestic cat, it displays behavior similar to a Maine Pistol Whipper and the previously mentioned Persian Allergen. Usually litter trained and a terror to the local rodent and bird population Dabbers have one identifying quirk. When needing to be let out of the house at three am for a murder spree, this cat will sit on it’s owners chest and repeatedly touch their face. Also known as the Californian Creeper.
YFC: The “Master Blaster” as it’s known around the cat show circuit enjoys a symbiotic/parasitic relationship with a human. “Your Fucking Cat” is identified easily by sharing a home with someone who does in no way consider themselves a “Cat Person”. The YFC completely depends on one human to defend it from another. Meanwhile it targets the non-cat person by repeatedly violating their possessions with intentional vomiting, and day drinking their good liquor.
Short-haired Rasputin: This cat could be 4 years old or 400. It will usually bear scars, either physical or spiritual in nature. While it may come to you as a “free cat,” a gift from the universe or left on your doorstep, it has the potential to accumulate thousands of dollars worth of veterinarian bills. There is nothing this cat will not attempt to eat, no street it’s unwilling to cross or tree it’s afraid to climb. Rasputin fears no consequence and has already escaped the clutches of death well over 9 times. Often found in precarious situations, such as the apex of a utility pole, if your Rasputin should one day fail to come home, just know that it hasn’t met its end, only moved on to another life and another family so as not to draw suspicion.
We here at Milk and Whiskey hope this has been a helpful, but by no means exhaustive list of lesser known but all too familiar cats. If you can excuse me, I have to help Milk with her
Pacific Mountain Fireman Lure.