Hell dear readers, it’s that time again. Good luck getting into a grocery store without someone with a clip board running up to you filled with the righteous power of do-goodery and intense belief in the cause-du-jour. Oh sure, we all have the pregame tactics down; move slowly until they engage less aware prey then haul ass into the safety of your Ralph’s or Von’s or whatever your local market is. Of course the game starts anew as you try to make it back to your car, now slowed by bags of food and a cart with a wobbling left front wheel. Then comes the day you also happen to be dragging slow-walking, question-asking kids, and you are basically the wounded gazelle at the political watering hole. There is no escape; you will be forced to engage.
The only question now is, what to do to get out of the snarling maw of the cause-head who has cornered you? Well here’s what Ole’ Whiskey does so he can have a little fun and practice the vastly underrated skill of lying convincingly to strangers.
- CauseHead: “Hi sir, can you sign this petition to arm defenseless insane people?” Whiskey: “Uh sorry, I can’t vote.” CH: “Can’t vote? Why can’t you vote?” W: (indignantly) “I don’t know, ask the goddamned judge or the crappy public defender. Thanks for bringing it up, though!”
- CH: “Hi sir, can you sign this petition to disarm dangerous insane people?” W: “Are you my handler? I think I’ve been activated but I’m not sure.” CH: “What?” W “Act natural we’re both professionals here… where’s your car parked?”
- CH: “Hi sir, can you sign this petition to re-brainwash lost sleeper agents?” W “Oh shit, I left my rescue chinchilla in the car and she’s probably reprogramming the radio stations again. Gotta run!”
- CH: “Hi sir, can you sign this petition to prosecute unarmed insane sleeper agents who leave chinchillas in locked cars?” W: “That is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard.”
So there you go. Comedy with minimal effort.