OK, Whiskey here, I know its been like forever and apparently if you want me to write again you need to lock me in my house for life or death reasons. And after a couple weeks of lock down… well I’ll just leave my bag of excuses at the door.

Ten Things to do While Socially Isolating.

1. Have the kids make fun ankle bracelets so instead of quarantine, it’s “celebrity jail”! I suggest puff paint, a pastel theme and stickers so you can be just like a wayward Martha Stewart!

2. See how long it takes dad to snap! Seriously how dangerous can he actually be, what happens when he stops loudly counting, nobody knows yet… Oh he’s hiding in the garage, he needs to get shot in the head with a Nerf dart! He just loves that.

3. This ones for everyone, stop most grooming. Ever wanted to actually chart the growth of your toenails, ear hair, beard, armpit or leg hair, or that one stray coming out of the mole on the back of your neck you get your significant other to pluck? Here is the moment.

4. Get really fat. I mean screw it right, I’ve never had a Montè Cristo sandwich, but I’m making one now!

5. Obsess on something, your spouse’s breathing is a good one, weeds in the yard is another. Or discuss at length the crack in the paint where the wall meets the ceiling. Just exactly who’s fault was that?

6. Start and not finish dozens of games of Monopoly.

7. Pose for a selfie with an LP of Tiffany you found while alphabetizing your record collection. Ask yourself why the hell do I have Tiffany’s debut album, and then ask how she was skipped over for a Grammy. Then decide to reorganize the records by color, then by genre.

8. Cook really  complicated shit based on whats in your house without going to the store. The fun is in the substitutions. Sure canned tuna is the same as chicken right? Hey kids! Tuna pot pie!

9. When you’ve really lost it sneak out on a walk to a gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. Smoke one. Then toss the rest of that $12 in the garbage and walk back to your house muttering.

10. Play fun games with the neighbors.

“When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.” HST.