I just knew at least one other person had to be disappointed in the quality of the conspiracy theories going on out there. We can do better, I thought. So, following the main rule of crisis management (First, assign blame) here’s my shortlist of suspects behind the pandemic. Because nothing is a coincidence if you’re paranoid enough.

Middle School Science Teachers: Look, I’m not a conspiracy theory person, but I’m pretty sure this whole thing was cooked up in the lab of six middle school science teachers. I mean, 29 percent of Americans already think it was created in a lab – and when have 29 percent of Americans been wrong about anything!? That’s right, never. So now we KNOW this thing was lab work and who has the best labs and tons of free time? You’re already way ahead of me, I can tell. Science Teachers, man. I guess summer break wasn’t long enough for them! I know some of you think I’m some kinda crazy tinfoil hat wearing nutjob, but ask yourself, is it really a coincidence that school kids are the carriers of this thing? And where are all the teachers now? In class? No – they’re have a big old teacher party somewhere, drinking quarantinis out of beakers and laughing at us reluctant homeschoolers trying to relearn algebra from the internet.

Witches: This is so obvious I can’t believe no one else has thought of it. Wake up, sheeple! I mean, I’m not usually a conspiracy theory kinda girl, but all the signs are there. We know it started with the animals, right? Who is “FAMILIAR” with creatures like bats and snakes and various other dark creatures? That’s right, witches! Or maybe vampires, but they could totally be in league together and I’ll get to that later. So witches obviously have this crazy connection to nature, right? And with the earth basically in death’s waiting room, they’re seeing their powers start to fade, probably. I mean, when’s the last time you saw some really strong witchcraft? Right? Hardly ever anymore. So a bunch of covens call a ceasefire and pool their powers for one really big spell to save the environment. This is what happens when a generation of little girls grows up drinking the milk of environmentalist propaganda and reading Roald Dahl. The waters in Venice are clear again and, apparently, you can actually breathe the air in Southern California.  I rest my case.

Turns out, most of those fun witch’s brew ingredients were just plants.

Dogs: I mean, dogs probably aren’t smart enough to invent a whole virus, so cats may be in on it, but just look at how much attention house pets are getting right now. You’re telling me that’s just a happy coincidence? Look at your dog or cat or bird or reptile. Look it right in its beady little eyes. Is that really the face of a good boy? Is it? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good pupper!? Ah man, I can’t stay mad at dogs, just go for a walk already.

Hypochondriacs: Just to get everyone on the same page.

Introverts: It’s so much easier to say no to party invitations now. Because there aren’t any.

Whatever strange cabal is behind this bizarre and terrifying situation we find ourselves in (homeschooling!?), we’ll get through it together…from a safe distance. Stay healthy, stay sane(ish) and above all, stay home.