Is your family currently being blackmailed by one of Santa’s spies? Want to be bad and still get the loot? Ever tried to get coal dust out of your decorative socks?
Well, Milk and Whiskey fans, we have some helpful tips for you. Also we checked with Fish and Game in California and Washington, and as far as we can tell you don’t need a license for these things. There doesn’t appear to be a bag limit either, but we still advise you to check the regulations in your state. Maybe they’re endangered in Hawaii or some shit.
- Anytime after Thanksgiving, but before December first, leave little bowls of pop rocks around all the places your elf is likely to appear. If you find a bowl has been consumed, replace the pop rocks but add a tiny glass of coke nearby. Try to clean up the mess before the kids wake up unless you want to pay some serious therapy bills. I hear baking soda and water gets elf out of drapes nicely.
- If the Elf is contained on a mantle, I’d go with Glue traps. I know what you’re thinking – glue traps are inhumane and blah blah PETA blah. Whatever. Elves don’t have feelings. Glue the little spying bastard.
- A simple box trap. If the elf has already left its mantle perch and gained full house access, all the tinsel baited glue traps in the world won’t stop it. However, an elf simply can’t resist a trail of chocolates leading to a nice, cozy looking box. Use a candy cane for the stick.
- Literature. Start with something simple, like the Giving Tree, move on to Lord of the Flies, then work your way up to the Bell Jar. Leave the oven door open, the elf will do the rest.
- Do you have a dog? Does your dog enjoy bacon? Perhaps your elf smells like bacon… because you left a tiny adorable coat made of bacon for it.
- Surround the elf with the work of Thomas Kinkade. Sometimes they just move on to someone’s house with better art.
- Exorcism. According to the pope, Signs of the devil’s presence are said to include “speaking unknown languages and strength disproportionate to age or body.” You do the math. Remember to tip your priest(s).
- Pinterest. Elves are narcissistic by nature – just give him access to Pinterest right now and he’ll be so smitten with his own image he’ll never look away. Then, while it’s looking at a laptop and sipping tea, whack him with a hammer.
- Elf sized tiger trap. Dig a hole in your floor, don’t worry about the repair bill, this is an elf were talking about. Then fill the trap with an angry half starved alley cat and cover it with a flimsy rug. Bait it by placing a peppermint in the center of the rug.
- “The Care Package” Elves are nosy, so find a deep box and put a couple small but brightly wrapped gifts in the bottom. Line the sides of the box with teflon so that when the curious thing leans over too far it falls in. Then quickly tape it up and mail that sucker right back to the North Pole. Air holes in the box are, of course, optional.
No need to thank us, folks, we’re all in this together! Happy Hunting.
(This Post sponsored by the Society Against Vile Elves – S.A.V.E)