Shortly before Black Friday, an article popped up in one of my many interweb feeds with some really great shopping advice.

I only got as far as the first mind-blowing tip: Park close to the entrance.

Take a moment to imagine all the people who’ve never considered this valuable, time-saving practice. Anyone? Anyone at all? I can honestly say that is the most original shopping tip I’ve ever read. Mostly because I don’t read shopping tips, but also because I have to believe that’s the first time someone put in the effort to write that shit down.

The story went on with tip two: Unless you are actually handicapable, you probably shouldn’t park in the spots so designated. And tip three: Don’t forget to pay before you leave!

Okay, I’m making that up. I don’t really know what tips two or three were because my mind was so utterly blown by the idea of parking close to the entrance to a store. That shit is crazy. I normally just drive directly into the store and park next to the perfume counter, so my car smells nice when I’m done shopping. This is probably why I’m not allowed in Macy’s anymore. That, and because of the raging success of my own list:

MILK’s Shopping Tips for Humans!

1. Stop bathing about a week before you intend to go shopping. If you’re like me, and your body produces enough oil that BP reps follow you around, this will be a challenge in itself, but filth is its own force field. You can also enhance the overall effect by dressing like a crazy person. If you’re not sure what to wear, swing by the downtown of any major metropolis and look for the kind of mental illness that stands in the street yelling at squirrels and cars. That, kind readers, is a fashion “do” for Black Friday. Also, splash a little cheap whiskey or malt liquor on you like its Axe body spray…or just wear Axe body spray – force field complete.

2. Bring a pet! Sure, most stores won’t let you in with a dog unless it’s wearing a little orange vest (which can easily be procured on eBay) but a very large snake, a frisky parrot, or a loudly meowing cat on a leash,  are all things that should earn you a little extra space around that SALE bin.

3. Maintain your perimeter with a hacking, rattling cough. If you can fake one, I highly recommend it, as shopping with pneumonia is pretty miserable. However, if you simply don’t have the acting chops to pull that off, volunteer for an afternoon at your local preschool or daycare center. Can’t pass the background check? Just head to a children’s museum and lick any surface – works like a charm! You’ll be at death’s door – and Target’s! – in no time.

4. Bring a trained monkey! By which I mean your kid. Your kid can stand in line, right? I mean, 3 might be too young to spot a great price on a flatscreen, but he can at least hold your spot in line while you shop. Give him a lollipop and your smart phone, he’ll be fine.

5. Everyone is a Out to Get You. According to legitimate, trustworthy news sources (E!), there are hoards of thieves out there just waiting for an opportunity to steal your packages and identity. They will photograph your credit card while you’re paying for your Furby and then snatch your shopping bags while you’re busy sopping up the grease from your Sbarro’s pizza. For the latter problem, I suggest wearing a very large trench coat and duct taping all purchases directly to your body, just beneath that protective outer shell. As to the former, I can think of no better way to protect your credit card information than smashing the phones of anyone behind you in line. It just makes the most sense. Of course, if you’ve followed steps one through three, there shouldn’t be anyone behind you in line at all – at least, not close enough for photography.

My last tip: there’s this beautiful new thing, it’s called the internet. Stores will deliver that Tickle Me Elmo right to your door and you don’t even have to wait in line. Seriously.  AND, you can usually park close to the entrance. And, AND, you can shop in the nude…while day drinking!

Happy Holidays!

~MILK & Whiskey