Shortly before Black Friday, an article popped up in one of my many interweb feeds with some really great shopping advice.

I only got as far as the first mind-blowing tip: Park close to the entrance.

Take a moment to imagine all the people who’ve never considered this valuable, time-saving practice. Anyone? Anyone at all? I can honestly say that is the most original shopping tip I’ve ever read. Mostly because I don’t read shopping tips, but also because I have to believe that’s the first time someone put in the effort to write that shit down.

The story went on with tip two: Unless you are actually handicapable, you probably shouldn’t park in the spots so designated. And tip three: Don’t forget to pay before you leave!

Okay, I’m making that up. I don’t really know what tips two or three were because my mind was so utterly blown…