I saw this article a while back about keeping your house clean in 5 minutes a day. It was fascinating and totally irrelevant to my life…or to anyone who can’t fold six loads of laundry in five minutes. “Take the time to fold your laundry right away – 5 minutes.” Bullshit.

So I figured, to help out society at large (and, more specifically, a population of women already over-burdened with insane expectations) I would come up with a more realistic way to keep a spotless house in 5 easy steps. Because steps are even shorter than minutes, that’s why.

Step 1:  You’re gonna want to start with a clean house. Spotless. That’s the only way this is gonna work. You have a few options for this: You can move. You can hire someone. You can invite your grandmother to stay with you for a few days, or your mother-in-law, whatever works. I like to throw a party and invite my really functional/neurotic girlfriends over – then I imply that most of the mess was caused by their children. Boy does my house look spiffy after that!

Step 2:  Do not have children. Seriously, if you can commit five minutes a day to not having children, your odds of keeping a clean house just skyrocket. Take a pill, throw a ring up there, or just keep your damn legs crossed.

Step 3:  Do not get married. No live-in lovers, either. Other people are TERRIBLE influences. First you leave something out, then they do, and you’re all, “I’m not gonna clean up after that f’ing slob, that is so NOT my job,” and they feel the same about you and then the seething resentment sets in and, boom, you’re living in bitter squalor surrounded by shoulder high stacks of newspapers because SOMEBODY can’t say no to anyone, selling anything, ever.

Step 4:  Don’t use the kitchen. If you use it, it’s going to get dirty and you’re going to have to clean it. I guarantee this will take more than five minutes. Stop cooking. Stop shopping. You will now subsist on water, vitamins, and the halo of superiority that comes from living a more perfect existence. Use the same glass for the entire day and you only have to clean that one glass before you go sleep above the covers of your pre-made bed! (Bonus points if you just sleep on the floor next to the bed, those pillows will always be perfectly fluffed!)

Step 5: Now that you’ve stopped using the kitchen, you can move on to not using the bathroom.  Bathrooms take forever to clean, so once you’ve had a professional do it, just lock the door and walk away. With a little creativity and a lot of chutzpah, I’m sure you’ll find a way to take care of all those nasty bodily functions without marring the bleached white perfection of your W/C.

Also, not bathing will seriously help you out with the whole not-getting-married AND not-having-kids thing. See how all the steps work together? Betcha never knew how simple keeping a spotless house could be!

Follow this easy plan, steer clear of people, pets, children, and joy in any form, and you, too, can have a spotless “home” in even less than 5 minutes a day.

You’re welcome.