Airplane Food.

I’m going to say it. I miss airline food. At least I miss free airline food. It used to be that if you were on a flight of more than a couple hours they would actually feed you. Oh sure it sucked compared to your grandma’s world famous meatloaf but it was at least a hot meal. You didn’t have to eat it but it was offered. Airline food served an important function, it broke up the time on the plane. It was like hot lunch in grade school, part of the fun was the mystery. What would it be? Spaghetti? Chicken a la King? Anything but “the fish” which we all know is lethal thanks to the film Airplane. You would sit there with your new friend in seat 18b and you could bond over bitching about the food.

In the 90’s the goddamned comedians ruined it for us. They just couldn’t stop harping on airline food and you know what happened??? The airlines said “OK, fuck you funny guys. We’re sick to death of the jokes about our cooking”. Now thanks to Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, and the rest I have to pay nine bucks for some cheese and crackers that should be free. They even torture you with misleading names “Tapas Box”… tapas my ass, and now I have to pay for it or starve.

Same thing with the luggage. You used to be able to show up with a whole matched set of luggage, and they would smile and put that junk on the plane. Sure they may have charged you on a bike or a set of skis, but nothing totally unreasonable. We all made the jokes and cliches about my “luggage going to China without me”, and as long as we kept it to a low roar they tolerated our insolence. We didn’t know how good we had it. The airlines are more sensitive than we gave them credit for, and the professional comedians hurt their feelings. Now it’s $25 for the first bag and I hope your name is “Diamond” Jim Brady if you have more or they’re overweight. I’ve seen luggage bills in the thousands for film crews.

Then there is the worst part… getting stuck in line behind an infrequent flyer who is at the counter with half their worldly possessions freaking out because they didn’t know about bag fees. Later you can stand behind them again at the security checkpoint, because they have no clue about the liquid restrictions that have been in place for over a decade and are stunned that they have to take off their shoes.

Please funny people don’t taunt them further.

And what is the deal with Milk and Whiskey, I mean nobody drinks that so who the hell reads it? Am I right??? When someone told me about it, I thought it was more internet cats… Milk and Whiskers! I bet people would actually read that. Is this thing on? You guys have been great…tell your friends…