Pop quiz, hot-shot. You’re going to something called a “Beer Festival” at a place commonly known as a “Park”.

Do you wear:
A. Cargo shorts and the t-shirt from last year’s beer festival?

B. A flirty sundress and some cute flats?

C. A silk micro-mini with 12″ platform CFM shoes?

If you answered:

A: Congratulations, you’re a dude. I’m sure you’ll be very comfortable. It must be handy to have all those pockets.

B: Check you out, mama, making sensible decisions look good.

C: Seriously!? WTF, lady? Did you not know where your boyfriend was taking you today? Was this a surprise date? If so, that guy’s an asshole and you should totally punch him right in the throat.

I don’t think this was a surprise. You don’t look pissed off enough. Just really, really uncomfortable. When your boyfriend was putting on his cargo shorts and the t-shirt from last year’s beer fest and his low-top Converse, at some point you should have thought to yourself: “do I really want to walk across acres of grass, eating bbq pork from a truck and washing it down with a miniature glass of experimental beer, do I really want to do ALL OF THAT wearing the most ridiculous shoes I own?”

I mean, the Madness wanted to wear the plastic, light-up Cinderella shoes that give her blood blisters, but I wouldn’t let her because that would be insane.

You make me tired, crazy lady. You are too young and too pretty to be working this hard to be THAT uncomfortable.

In related news, my kid can see up your skirt, and she wants to know why you’re not wearing any panties. You may have heard her, along with half the line, since she just asked it in her outdoor voice. And now I get to explain to her what a thong is. So, thanks for that.

Goddamn, I’m getting old.