Are you sick to death of listening to questions you can’t (or don’t want to) answer? Tired of feeling like a freaking moron because you can’t remember the intricacies of photosynthesis? Yeah, me, too.
Let me help you out with a simple, quick-reference list of great answers to terrible questions, broken down into parenting styles. Feel free to mix it up.
Our sample question, asked in a conversational voice (meaning really f’ing loud) by the Madness while chewing a mouthful of croissant at Petite Sweet.
“MOMMY, Why is that man SO FAT?”
So. Many. Reasons. But here are a few good answers, many of which are customizable for just about any question from “Why is the sky blue?” to “Why is that doggy trying to ride that other doggy?”
1. The dictator: Because I said so.
2. The theocrat: Because God said so.
3. The bureaucrat: We’re putting together a task force to address that very issue. Here, fill out these forms.
4. The aristocrats: *censored*
5. The turnabout: Why are you so short?
6. Captain Obvious: Because he isn’t thin, and he had to be something.
7. The contrarian: No, he isn’t.
8. The artful dodge: Doesn’t my bagel look like Caillou?
9. The joke set-up: HOW fat is he? *bonus points for a drum roll*
10. The Grimm: Because he eats rude children.
11. The therapist: Does it bother you that he’s fat?
12. The damned liar (a.k.a. my mother): I read somewhere that he’s actually a conjoined twin.
13. The philosopher: Maybe he’s normal sized and you’re just really small.
14. The Surrealist: Giraffe!
15. The Republican: Because poor people. And gays. And Obama.
16. The Democrat: He needs our help. Let’s tax doughnuts.
17. The lawyer: It’s clearly the fault of this establishment and their irresponsible baking. Let’s sue.
Milk & Whiskey 
Well, it’s probably in the “genes”. Her father did the same thing, except it was right after we stepped into an elevator with a very, “very” fat man. Jeff was probably eye level with the biggest lumpy ring of the apron of fat and he said, “Mommy, why is that man so…” and at that moment I clamped my hand over his tiny mouth because I couldn’t bear the thought of the word “FAT” reverberating around and around the walls of the elevator for what would seem like a very long ride upstairs! I know the man knew what “the word” was, but at least it was not audible! It is, after all, a very reasonable question. We’ve probably asked it in our minds many times. So, that just means she’s precocious,
Carole, Jeff’s mom.
PS: clever list.
Greatest list ever! Had me laughing the whole way through.
Curse you! Now I have to find my chocolate stash…
18. The Drunk: Because there’s two of them
I resent the “damned liar” title. Jeff is totally wrong there, I don’t lie, I embellish. Well maybe sometimes I make up a couple of things just for fun, but I’m sure I always say “just kidding”. Except for the one about Cuba, maybe. I don’t remember you ever calling out someone as “fat” as a child, but I do recall you licking your finger and trying to rub the color off someone.
Pingback: Fashion Victims Are Everywhere, and There’s Not Enough Beer in This Tiny Glass. | Milk & Whiskey
Pingback: The Happiness Hour Club | Milk & Whiskey