Are you sick to death of listening to questions you can’t (or don’t want to) answer? Tired of feeling like a freaking moron because you can’t remember the intricacies of photosynthesis? Yeah, me, too.
Let me help you out with a simple, quick-reference list of great answers to terrible questions, broken down into parenting styles. Feel free to mix it up.
Our sample question, asked in a conversational voice (meaning really f’ing loud) by the Madness while chewing a mouthful of croissant at Petite Sweet.
“MOMMY, Why is that man SO FAT?”
So. Many. Reasons. But here are a few good answers, many of which are customizable for just about any question from “Why is the sky blue?” to “Why is that doggy trying to ride that other doggy?”
1. The dictator: Because I said so.
2. The theocrat: Because God said so.
3. The bureaucrat: We’re putting together a task force to address that very issue. Here, fill out these forms.
4. The aristocrats: *censored*
5. The turnabout: Why are you so short?
6. Captain Obvious: Because he isn’t thin, and he had to be something.
7. The contrarian: No, he isn’t.
8. The artful dodge: Doesn’t my bagel look like Caillou?
9. The joke set-up: HOW fat is he? *bonus points for a drum roll*
10. The Grimm: Because he eats rude children.
11. The therapist: Does it bother you that he’s fat?
12. The damned liar (a.k.a. my mother): I read somewhere that he’s actually a conjoined twin.
13. The philosopher: Maybe he’s normal sized and you’re just really small.
14. The Surrealist: Giraffe!
15. The Republican: Because poor people. And gays. And Obama.
16. The Democrat: He needs our help. Let’s tax doughnuts.
17. The lawyer: It’s clearly the fault of this establishment and their irresponsible baking. Let’s sue.