He Stole My Underwear…

Hi audience, sorry for the long delay between posts…. it’s a long long story that will be written about sometime. I have a whole bag of excuses and I want to pick just the right one.

Anyway back to comedy.

So I ordered some fancy underwear from an online shop that… ok I’ll just give MeUndies a free plug, great underwear. So I go through the process of picking out just the right designs, some plain, some fun, one to startle my wife with my fashion choices and pay the money. Then I just sit back and wait for my new drawers to arrive. My old ones were years old and started to deteriorate , no fault of theirs I mean how many years do you really expect out of underwear.

Days go by, and finally I get an email from the company cheerfully telling me that my underwear had arrived yesterday. I checked the mail, I looked around the house, and I questioned the six year old who loves bringing in the mail and packages but doesn’t always leave them in a logical place.

Hmmmm… no underwear.

So I go back and check on what happened online. “Shit” I cursed to myself, I had been one number off on the address so my junk snuggling boxer briefs were apparently at my neighbors house.

“No big deal” I said out loud as the cat walked by giving me shady cat looks. I’ll just go next door and ask if they have them. Now when I get packages or letters by mistake meant for people next door I do the neighborly thing and toss them on their doorstep or in their mailbox. But maybe they just hadn’t gotten around to it.

So I trot over to the house next door and ring the bell. My neighbors are nice friendly almost retired people, we exchange baked goods and they toss my kids baseballs back in the yard without complaint. But there is a wild card… They have a millennial grown-ass son who moved back in with them. He sits in the back yard while they go to work and takes bong rips until he accidentally lets the cat out and then chases the cat around for twenty minutes, he’s like the sheep in Sing. But I digress, the wild card answers the door.

“Hey, did you guys get a package addressed to me by mistake?” I ask.

His face reddens a little. “Uh no… I don’t think so”

“You sure, because they emailed me that it arrived but I accidentally put your address instead of mine” I offer.

“Uh no maybe, no, I can check around later” He said unconvincingly.

“Ok well when you find it just toss it on my porch” I leave with that.

I wish I had said it, but I didn’t. The thought that ran through my head was.. “Your wearing my f*cking underwear aren’t you, you freeloading underwear stealing creep”.

So I went back home.

There were two ways I imagined this would go from here. One, he will continue to wear my underwear he stole and play dumb. Two, he would panic and repackage them as best he could and leave them on my porch. He went with one. Which is probably for the best because I’m sorry but I could not wear it after it had touched his junk. Call me weird, but there is too much emotional and physical baggage for me to ever comfortably park my baggage in those. My wife bought me another set, sent to the right address.

So I hope he enjoys his underwear, but I also hope there’s some nagging shame that haunts him, and the looming threat that I’m going to tell his parents.

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