The Collectible Curse

These pigs are super stoked about their hand-knits.

First off, let’s be real. This entire post exists solely so that I might share this treasure I found at my local thrift conglomerate. I shared it on my personal meta-page but that wasn’t enough. These pigs NEED to be seen and appreciated for the joyful horror they invoke. Someone designed this. Someone decided that hand-knit sweaters were the way to go. Someone said, we should make their eyebrows (eyelids?) blue. This exact shade of blue.

Anyone who has ever admitting to collecting, knows the chaos that ensues. We’ve all seen the collectors that end up on reality shows or sideshows or running oddly specific museums out of their homes. Those people are outliers in their obsessions. Dare I say, weirdos? That’s why we watch them on TV.

But then, there are teachers. Beloved teachers. Usually elementary school. If word gets out that a charming first grade teacher happens to like owls, for example, the world will enshrine her in owls. It will build her a tomb of feathers whose walls are slowly closing in. Owl coffee mugs, owl notecards, owl statuettes, owl art, owl-themed clocks and planters and even more coffee mugs. She will be driven slowly mad by the imaginary hooting and a thousand staring eyes. Every year, twenty new faces, twenty new sets of parents shopping for cute, owl-themed gifts for teacher appreciation week.

I bring this up because, in reaction to my initial posting of this glorious sculpture of two joyful pigs porking, I was treated to multiple stories of teachers whose collections got wildly out of hand. Sometimes it was pigs. Sometimes snails. My daughter’s first grade teacher let it be known that she liked owls. That was a mistake, but she was young. She’s since switched schools and, hopefully, is recovering.

The point is, stop. Teachers need wine and coffee. But mostly gift cards to Target. If there’s an owl/pig/snail-themed gift card, go nuts.

A Final Thought: My favorite tail of woe came from someone who didn’t even like the animal to begin with. A simple misunderstanding led to a tsunami of pig gifts that finally drove her to leave the state. Which also sounds like a fun way to torture that church friend you don’t like. “Oh, Janice? I hear she’s super into hedgehogs.”

Why blue, though?

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