Homeschool is fine. It’s great. I love all the crying. And the flopping on the floor tearing up worksheets. I’m assuming that’s just how things go in school, perfectly normal and all, since I don’t remember it coming up at any parent teacher meetings. I’m sure we’re all crying the appropriate number of times over number lines and book summaries. It’s all super normal and great.

My liver is perfect. I don’t even drink anymore. I mean, I drink, of course – hydrate or die-drate – but I don’t get drunk. I don’t think I can. My liver is operating at such an extreme level of efficiency right now that I can definitely go from mimosas to bloody marys to lunch wine to dinner wine to nightcaps without ever slurring a single consananet…constitinet…consernent…vowel.

My skin is amazing. Probably because I haven’t worn makeup in weeks. I mean, that’s basically a cleanse. I also haven’t cleansed. I’m trying that whole no-shampoo thing for healthier hair…which I’m also extending into a no soap thing for healthier skin. Except my hands. OBVIOUSLY. I wash my hands a little over a thousand times a day. My blistering knuckles are a sign of super clean skin. The cleanest. The fact that my face looks like a double exposure shot of the hellscape of my high school years meeting my own death shroud is probably fine.

I’m checking in with my jaw a lot. That’s what my internet yoga instructor tells me to do. I’m thinking about investing in a nice set of calipers so I can more accurately track how quickly I’m grinding my teeth to nubs. I’m proud to say I have the tightest jaw on the block right now. That’s cuz of all the yoga, probably. It’s just a shame I can’t take this tightness out for a walk so the world could appreciate just how TIGHT I’m keeping things. Except for yesterday when I managed to dislocate my own jaw while eating a sandwich. Staying this tight has a downside, turns out, but it’s probably worth it. Also, performing a manual induction of your own jaw is trickier than you probably thought, but it still beats going to the hospital right now. And soft-foods are great. Like applesauce…and bloody marys.

I’m getting a lot of sleep, too, which is a huge bonus. Not at night, of course, since that’s when the existential dread sets in and any brief periods of unconsciousness are peppered with nightmares that will probably make for some great poetry one day. Pretty sure I’m sleeping most of the day, though, since there’s no way this is real life. It’s all just one really long, weird dream. Can’t wait to wake up and tell the engineer about it.