It’s still January, so I’m calling this a New Year’s Resolution post. Not for me, I don’t have a lot of what the common people call “resolve.” I’m pretty much against anything that makes me feel inadequate and it’s hard to go after improvement without first admitting fault. I prefer to think of my “problem areas” as plot points. I’m very three dimensional. Very.

That said, here’s how I do the new year’s thing.

Step 1: Roll out of bed New Year’s day, squeeze into those skinny jeans and the Goodwill cashmere sweater and glance in the mirror.

Step 2: Freak out. “Holy Shit are those my thighs!? WTF happened? This is all beer. This is why I shouldn’t drink beer. I’ve got beer ass. I’m only drinking Scotch from here on out. And only at night.” This, you will note, is as close to a resolution as I get.

Step 3: Enabling. Enablers are the best. I call mine husband. Husband says something supportive like, “how about a Bloody Mary?”

Step 4: Acceptance (of the drink.) “Hells yes! But make mine with bourbon, please.” Bourbon is close to scotch but cheaper, and a resolution has to ought to be kept. Drink the Bloody Mary – they’re delicious and full of vitamins. You’re doing great. It’s really more of a breakfast, like a healthy tomato smoothie.

Step 5: Anger. Not at your glorious thighs, but at the makers of stupid jeans that are all stretch and no substance. How’s lycra supposed to hold anything in!?

Step 6: Even more anger: Never at the glorious thighs, nor the impressive ass or soft belly that your husband refers to, romantically and out of smacking range, as “third boob.” Don’t even think about crying over what’s become of your actual boobs. If you own a magnifying mirror…don’t. Get angry at the bullshit media that’s been crawling inside your head since birth whispering “not good enough.” Did you know that kindergarten girls have eating disorders now*!? Oh HELL no. If you think about it, owning up to your curves and blemishes and those damning “fine lines” is a screaming protest you can do in the comfort of your yoga pants. F You, patriarchy. F you, all of pinterest and that one terrible friend who keeps pinning workout tips.

Step 7: Self-actualization. Revel in the awesomeness that is you. Look how hot you look, all empowered. You are setting a fine example for the women of tomorrow that the contents of your mind matter more than the contents of your jeans. Treat yourself to some new jeans…maybe the next size up, just for comfort. It’s important to be comfortable.

There it is, a complete New Year’s Self Improvement Storm all accomplished in a single Saturday Morning. So much fun you can do it again every month, or apply as needed.

Congratulations – you look better already.

*this is probably not true, the thing about kindergarteners. 1st graders, tho…I’d believe it.