Anyone who’s ever volunteered – or more likely been drafted into -preparing the traditional American Thanksgiving feast knows that it is a stressful time. Add to the mix unhelpful or (perceived to be) ungrateful guests and family members, perhaps a few cocktails while cooking, and occasionally one may say something off the cuff and feelings may be hurt. Anyway Milk and Whiskey put together another holiday list for you to enjoy, now pass the gravy. Here is last year’s list.
- “Because if it’s not “artisanal” it’s crap. Now put your coat back on and drive back to the store and try not to screw it up totally…I saw that.”
- “If I wanted the children to try lobster I wouldn’t have made the 99 cent Mac and Cheese, now go take it away from them…and you better pray I can salvage it.”
- “Oh no, I totally enjoy spending eight hours to make everything perfect so I can watch you dump salt on it without so much as taking a courtesy bite. Go ahead, add more salt…I DARE YOU.”
- “If you don’t keep the kids out of my kitchen I’m going to tell them what really happened to their Halloween candy.” “Oh yeah, try me, I’ll tell them about the farm the old dog retired at, too.”
- “He went vegan? You’re shitting me right???”
- “Tofurkey? Hell next year why don’t I cook up a unicorn or a dragon, or some other mythical animal?”
- “I said a DRY martini, I know you know what dry is, I’ve eaten your stuffing.” “No, dry like my sense of humor.” “Oh for Pete’s sake…just wave the bottle of vermouth at the gin and throw a damn olive in it.”
- “Vegan, really? Well now he’s a fruititarian, he can have a banana.” “Of course I would never lie about chicken stock being in something.”
- “I said dry white wine, THIS is sweet, like you used to be.” “Now quit crying for mummy and go back to the fridge and practice your reading. P-I-N-O-T-G-R-I-G-I-O”
- “No of course we have room for your unexpected friend. Did you meet under the freeway or in a bar on skid row?”
- And finally, the one thing I most regret saying right about when the gin runs out, “Thith hath been great, I’m totes gonna host again next year *hic*!”
Happy Thanksgiving from Milk and Whiskey.
Milk & Whiskey 
Sounds like my family.
We met at an artisan bar, you know, the kind with bartenders who know what “dry” means. By the way, she’s a mineralist and won’t eat anything that came from a living organism – you got any baking soda? What’s that you say? Yes we met in a bar, she drinks cocktail but won’t EAT anything that was once alive – geez, are you that out of it that you don’t know these things.
we don’t have thanksgiving here ((well we DO give thanks at the appropriate times but we keep turkeys out of it) but when Christmas strikes we love our bbq. Fuck tofurkey, fuck stuffing, and fuck ornamental table settings. Thank you.
you’re welcome?