Amazing Things We Did This Year

Scrolling through the beast of Yahoo, I came across a list of “Amazing Things” the Kate Middleton got up to this year. I stopped at the first: “She recycled her clothing: Most celebs wouldn’t be caught wearing the same outfit twice, but Middleton is famous for her fashion re-do’s. In November, she wore a long-sleeve, brown-and-cream dove-printed Orla Kiely dress — the same one she wore in 2012.”

Holy fashion shitstorm, Batman! That girl wore the same dress this year that she wore once last year. I’m in Awe. It’s like the 30×30 challenge but instead of wearing the same thirty articles of clothing for a month, you wear the same dress. Twice. In two years.

I’m sure the Duchess’s sweat could be bottled and sold at Bergdorf’s, but I think we might be setting the bar a wee bit low. Then again, by this standard, we’ve had a pretty banner year, so maybe we shouldn’t judge.

Let’s See, if Yahoo! was writing about a year in the life of MILK & Whiskey:

1: MILK didn’t shake the baby! As most moms know, babies cry A LOT. Sometimes, it seems like it will never end! But despite the  incessant wailing, MILK didn’t shake that baby even once. What a champ.

2. Whiskey also didn’t shake the baby, or the older kid. This is a feat of godlike fortitude that only another parent could understand.

3. Whiskey survived several long plane rides and car trips with two lunatics disguised as small boys.  He did have some help from the blessed miracle known as iPads.

4: MILK read a book! A real book. Not all the way through, or anything, but she started at least three books and, together, that has to add up to reading an entire book. Between the kids, Netflix and the new season of Doctor Who, there just wasn’t a lot of time for reading.

5: MILK sleep-trained a baby. Some people think it’s a challenge getting a baby to sleep through the night. Other people, awesome people, invest in Bourbon and ear plugs and just accept the *idea* of a baby sleeping through the night. Hey, if a tree falls in the forest and it doesn’t wake up one tired ass lady with a lot to do the next day, then who the hell cares?

6. Whiskey felt bad for his wife, who spent many nights trying to get his not sleep trained kids to bed. The depths of his sympathy was astounding. It was almost like he was actually helping her in some deep, cosmic way. The kids won’t go to sleep for him ever, unless it involves him driving the car and they fall asleep at the worst possible time – like right before they arrive at a restaurant – so actual help was out of the question.

7. While Dr. Wife was putting the kids to “sleep,” Whiskey finished Grand Theft Auto 5! This may sound easy for the non kid having crowd, but when you can only play innappropriate games late at night when no one else wants to watch TV it’s tricky.

8. Whiskey hooked a big marlin in Mexico and got it to the boat! There are no photos of the actual fish to document this. A suspicious jury may say that he tied a rock to a fishing rod and posed dramatically. Fishermen are not known for their honesty. And he does work in Hollywood, so that sort of movie magic falls well within his wheelhouse.

I swear there is a 3 meter fish on the other end of that line.

This is the photograph that does NOT constitute photographic evidence. I’ve seen what Whiskey is capable of with a camera and a little photoshop. Frankly, I’m not even convinced that he went to Mexico. Mexico looks an awful lot like Southern California, in the right light.

9: MILK showered almost every (other) day! There are women (living in caves) that can’t even manage to bathe themselves once a week, much less the two, something THREE showers MILK took week after week, for the entire year.

10. Whiskey grew a beard, then he shaved it off. It was itchy and his wife hated it.

11. AND, He wore the same pair of jeans for a week! Talk about caring about the earth, the savings in water use and energy expended probably reversed global warming for a tenth of a second! You’re welcome.

And the number one (or, er, number 12) thing this dynamic pair accomplished in 2013…

12: They started a blog. MILK put years of bitter sibling rivalry aside and extended an open hand to her estranged brother, Whiskey. Together, they embarked on a digital journey of unabashedly self-serving narcism of a shockingly common variety. Today, they’re closer than ever as they scrabble for a way to monetize a rich childhood of benign neglect. Brava, MILK & Whiskey. Brava. And we were…ahem, Fresh Pressed.

Happy New Years to our thousand or so followers. We hope the coming year is as productive for you as the last year was for us.

~ MILK & Whiskey

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