We’re thinking about starting a cult club. A little association for like-minded parents to get together, sit around a fire, drink wine out of coffee cups, and celebrate parenting successes. Don’t ask me what we’ll do with the children while we’re toasting Jim’s use of a tube sock for an emergency diaper or Amy’s ability to get two toddlers through her friend’s wedding without the use of sedatives.

As you board the plane with a baby and a toddler, you are met with pained sighs…You’ve earned this badge. Please turn off the iPad so your toddler can begin shrieking for takeoff. Thanks.

There are all these moments in parenting where you wanna do a victory lap but the only witness is basically a mute sociopath, incapable of recognizing your achievement, much less patting you on the back for it. Even among parenting brethren, bragging about potty-training your two-year old is likely to get you uninvited to the next “mom’s night,” especially if there’s a five-year old wearing Pull-ups nearby.

This has its own rewards, but it wasn’t easy, so sport that badge with pride!

Enter the Merit Badge. When you join the M&W Parenting Scouts, you’ll get a swell uniform involving a wrinkle-free, stain resistant, possibly vinyl/rubber shirt (or, alternately, just a pre-stained cotton t-shirt & pajama pants) and a sash to sew/iron/hot-glue all the Merit Badges you earn as you navigate this whole “bringing up people” situation.

We have a badge for everything!

Don’t pretend you never wanted to…

Then, you don’t have to brag about your kid sleeping through the night. Just let your “flair” do the talking.

See, your self-esteem improved just thinking about it.

Here are just a few of the exciting badges you can earn when you join the Milk & Whiskey Parenting Scouts!

Blew $1500 in 8 hrs? Wearing mouse ears at the same time? WHILE SOBER????

Just in case the UPS guy knocks on the door. You don’t want to look like a bad parent.

You’ve got mad Mom & Dad skills. Share it with the world.

Burns on you: Many. Burns on the baby: ZERO.