If you’re thinking about getting “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” for your three year old because your horrible parents NEVER got it for you even though you asked every Christmas for three years, let me save you some time.

STEP ONE: When you get the box home, immediately take half the balls out and throw them straight up in the air  (see figure 1a). Walk away.

STEP TWO: Take 2 or 3 of the remaining balls and flush them down the toilet. They may try to float, so keep at it. This may seem like a waste but, trust me, it’s gonna happen anyway so you may as well just get it over with. Bonus, the game will now be MUCH shorter. After you’ve played it once or twice, or heard it being played, you will appreciate this fact.

IMPORTANT NOTE! If you have a baby who is just learning to crawl, skip steps 1 & 2 and move straight to step 3.

STEP THREE: Just throw the whole goddam thing right in the trash. The OUTSIDE trash. Your baby WILL find it if it’s in the house and will proceed to eat every last remaining ball. Get rid of that shit. That’s what your parents did. See, and you thought they didn’t love you. Don’t you feel silly? I think somebody owes mom an apology.