I just got the reminder postcard from my Dentist. Then I promptly lost the thing without ever writing the appt on my calendar or in my phone or anywhere remotely functional. This was not an accident. I am terrified of the dentist. Again.

See, just when I found the perfect dentist and finally got over my own irrational fear of dental work, I had to start bringing the Madness. No big deal, right? I started taking her to “happy visits” when she turned one. That went well. Wellish. Nobody died, anyway. She got to meet the dentist and get a sticker and flat out refuse to ride in the “awesome roller coaster chair that goes up and down.”  Basically she watched me get my teeth cleaned (from a safe distance) and then we went out for ice cream. I am an awesome mom, I thought, I am totally nipping this whole dentist thing right in the bud. I even let her wear a princess dress.

Then, came the real appointment. There was another kid there ahead of us. He came out all smiles, showing off his rad Spiderman sticker and high-fiving the receptionist. Yay for Timmy – or whoever the hell he was.

The Madness was not impressed.

“It’s okay, honey,” I said, “today is just another practice visit. You just sit in the chair and the doctor is going to count your teeth and then you get a sticker.”

She scowled. “Mommy go first.”

So mommy went first. Big smile from Mommy. “thee, Madneth! Ith eethy! Ha-ha, it ticklelth!” Big smiles from the dental hygienist as she explained everything she was doing. “And now I’m rinsing mommy’s teeth! Can you hear the little vacuum? Isn’t that neat?”

Madz turn.

“You can sit on mommy’s lap. Do you want to sit on mommy’s lap?”

Silent nod.

“You get to wear theses cool sunglasses!”

Growl of negation.

Dental hygienist leans forward. “And the chair is just gonna tip-”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

From zero to exorcist baby in nothin’ flat.

I could hunt for that reminder card, call and confirm her next appointment but what the hell, she’s just gonna lose all these teeth anyway.