First off Splendid Isolation is my favorite Warren Zevon song, and that’s saying a lot. Anyway here are some tips as we move along on the forced “staycation” for how to keep things smooth in the house with your family or room mates or cellmates or whomever. This is in no way directed at the people with whom I live, and should definitely not be taken as a declaration of war.

1. If you’re one of those people that has to mention every time you find a light on, perhaps because you deserve a brass plaque for turning it off, this is a great time to stop. You leave lights on too, sometimes, just flip the damn thing off and move on with your life. This also goes with ajar refrigerator doors, running toilets that need a jiggle to the handle, faucets that need an extra hard turn, and all the other little crap we ignore most the time.

2. Kids…stop touching the goddamned thermostat. Dads…just turn it off. It’s spring, put on a friggin’ sweater and shut up. Also, quit slamming doors, close the damn door, etc.

3. There is a reason the orange cream bars are hidden behind everything in the back of the freezer. Don’t do it. Last one, really don’t do it. You know who you are.

4. Please don’t clip your toenails around other people. The click click and thought of nail shards in the rug is enough to make a man go shopping without a mask.

5. If you need to stare out the window all day, great. Wear something billowy and convince the neighbors you’re a ghost. But honestly, no one else want an update on the squirrels, neighbors, or birds unless they have just put on a decent play.

6. Please, for godsake, do not pick up a new instrument whilst locked in a house with others. Especially bag pipes, drums, harmonicas, tubas, and banjos. Just let it go. Don’t even mention a banjo. Why does the Amazon box of the day look suspiciously like a trombone?

7. GO EASY ON THE TOILET PAPER.

8. The orange bars. Again. F*cking arrrrrrghhhh. Do you realize every time I have to resupply I almost doom us all???

9. Do not judge someone’s drinking during this, and especially don’t comment on it unless you’re joking with them while drinking over video chat, or across the street.

10. Upgrade your internet to the fastest speed you can afford. If I have to hear about Fortnite or whatever lagging from my kids again I’m going to search their rooms for orange cream bar wrappers. Or make them read a book.  BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA