Yet Another Ten Things I’m Sorry I Said During Thanksgiving.

  1. “Oh I didn’t know he made parole… of course he can come. Tell him his “Celly” is welcome too. They can bring cranberry sauce in a can. That sounds safe, I’ll hide the shivs and the good silver.”
  2. “Hey, did you know Wild Turkey goes with everything!? I know it’s nine in the morning. I’ve only had one…ok two. I may need to make a liquor store run while I can still drive.” 

  3. “Sure, I can make a gluten-free vegan entree for just you. Its not like I’m cooking for twelve normal people plus kids. Remind me which one is vegan, pepperoni or salami?”
  4. “There was a small fire, but it’s out now. I spilled my beverage near an open flame. Then I spilled your beverage to put it out. That’s some potent ‘water’ you’ve got there, dear.”
  5. “What the hell is a sunchoke? Are you serious with this? Screw it, put it next to the green bean and soup thing. This guy thinks he’s friggin’ Martha Stewart…”
  6. “Please tell your grandfather to stop popping out his dentures and terrifying the children. Oh wait, cousin Larry just got here, once more! Ahhhh thats sooo grosssss. Awesome. Now make him stop.”
  7. “Are you trying to destroy me? Is that why you’re helping???”
  8. “Everyone knows your sister is getting divorced…why the hell would they subject themselves to our family dinner? Oh…I didn’t see you there…I’m sorry…I hope that counselor is a magician.”
  9. “Well yeah, I also wish you would have just gone to a “Friendsgiving,” but I suppose you’d need some friends, then, wouldn’t you?”
  10. “Ethanol. I’m thankful for ethanol. And I’m thankful for Jason Statham, in a leather jacket, getting revenge. WOOF. I’m sorry what were you saying?”
  11. “Nice wine – you really went top shelf at the Grocery Outlet, huh?”
  12. “Hand Turkey drawings of us are courtesy of Ben Lazarus, he has books of them that are hilarious. Link”

4 thoughts on “Yet Another Ten Things I’m Sorry I Said During Thanksgiving.

  1. In the Minneapolis Police evidence warehouse there is a freezer and in that freezer,among other things, is a turkey. The legend goes that a notorious local crime family sat down for a Thanksgiving dinner with all the stuffing’s. Of course, everyone was packing. Soon after serving the cranberry sauce, the mother and a daughter got into an argument. The daughter then shot her mother – through the turkey.

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