Recently Dr Wife and I were flying up to the Pacific North West to empty MILK’s bar, when we had the joy of missing a flight and getting to speak with “Special Services” at the airline. While we were wrapping up the “sorry about that sir” phase of our morning, a couple next to us was arguing about their “emotional support” dogs that they wanted to take on a plane.
I did not envy the woman who was asking such logical questions as “Do you have some kind of doctors note or anything? Anything?” The woman clutching the schnauzer acted completely insulted that the airline should dare to question her special friend. Or their symbiotic relationship.
Everybody knows that you can get the little vest on Amazon, and pretend like your Beverly Hills Purse Rat (actual breed name) is specially trained to help you pick out couture, or order at Starbucks. I’m a big fan of getting away with stuff, but it is kind of insulting to actual working dogs. Kind of like having a bullshit handicapped parking permit you got your medical weed doctor to write a note for you.
That got my wife and I thinking. And by thinking, I mean cracking jokes in the car on the way home from the airport when it hit us.
Why limit the bullshit “companion animal” racket to dogs? You want a real emotional support animal you need a bird that talks, and I’m talking about an Emotional Support Parrot! Or ESP for short.
If you find yourself trying to return fruit without a receipt and the grocer is sticking to his guns, just let your ESP handle it. “Braaaaack, bad fruit! bad fruit, e. coli aaaaacck!” Your ever helpful macaw would shriek. The grocer would take that rotten cantaloupe you left on your counter for a week just to get you and the bird out of earshot of the other customers.
Are you suffering though a bad breakup? Your ESP will squawk all night “he’s not worth it… braaaack, Polly wants chardonnay braaaaaak” Therapy parrot is a real companion. “Sex and the City is on braaaak”. Therapy parrot will also bite you if you try to go on Tinder while drinking.
You want a sweaty lap, get a Pekingese, you want real Lifetime Network grade support, get a talking companion bird. And don’t think for a minute that support parrots are just for ladies or the miserly fruit aficionados.
There would be specially trained parrots just for dudes. “nothing for Valentines day you said… braaaaaack” The bird would back you up in any spat. “The football mirror ties the room together braaaaack” “Of course your father loves you…braaaack” “you can do sit ups tomorrow!”
Also nothing gets a beer open quicker than a macaw’s beak.
Your ESP could even help in heavy negotiations such as buying a car. “No sealant, no extended warranty!!!!” The ball of colorful plumage would wail.
A cat would just lick itself and puke in your shoes, and snakes freak people out too much for a “hug therapy” python to catch on.
So just as soon as we can figure out how to make little tiny vests for birds I think we are in business.