Monkey Movies.

I Hate Monkey Movies.

I Hate Monkey Movies.

“Hey look Whiskey, we’re thinking about making another monkey movie” Jerry a producer friend of mine who knows me too well said glancing up from a copy of Variety as we sat in his office watching dust particles dance around in the sunlight streaming in slashes through the vertical blinds. We were sitting in his office at Hollywood Cliche Studios.

“What??!!” I over reacted doing a spit take with my glass of rye I was having for breakfast. “God dammit, when will Hollywood learn, who are the open mouth breathers that see this shit? Are there that many morons who have little moron children who think this crap is any good???” I paused to pick up my fedora off the floor.

“What about Every Which Way but Loose and the sequel?” My friend offered throwing kerosene on my mental burning house.

“You stop right there buddy, it almost ruined Clint Eastwood for me and I was only two at the time” I peered through the blinds at a world trying to go mad. “Those don’t count as much”

“It’s funny, monkeys are funny, I don’t see why you have this rabid hatred of films with non-human primates.” My friend set down his paper with a rustle.

“Have a seat, we’re going over this again”

“I’m already sitting…”

“It’s an expression, asshole.” I smirked.

“The problem with monkeys is they are inherently evil, and the only reason they are ever put into a film is because you can’t openly make fun of the developmentally disabled anymore.” “Plus it’s just lazy and they’re always the same and always terrible. The whole concept is to pair a monkey with a human and turn them loose on society, like some bad acid flashback from evolution.” I paused to wipe the sweat from my brow.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there can’t be a monkey in a movie.” I locked eyes with Jerry “They just can not have a significant role, plot devices are fine, they do not get to be on the poster.”

“What about Project X?” Jerry mused.

“Plot device, Matthew Broderick is trying to help the monkeys, he’s not paling around Manhattan with them.” I raged.

Bedtime for Bonzo?” He probed further.

“Never seen it, never will.” I was tired.

“Forget it.” I said as I grabbed my coat off the hook. “I’m going to go see that new Adam Sandler film, good day sir, please don’t start casting at the zoo.”

Dunston Checks In?” he shouted as I closed the door behind me.

“It’s shit, pure shit!” I yelled back.

4 thoughts on “Monkey Movies.

  1. Since we’re talking monkey movies, you know the bit in the new Planet of the Apes where General Thade gets locked in that room and does the angry-chimp-screaming-and-jumping-around thing? I can’t watch it without thinking if they really wanted to be authentic he’d be flinging handfuls of his own crap around.

    • I worked on a show called Wild Animal Repo, there were two episodes I flat out refused to work on. One they were catching over 100 capuchins (the monkey that ate the “bad date” in Raiders of the Lost Ark) and another where they wanted to deal with 8 HIV positive chimpanzees. Every animal expert I worked with said they would rather deal with a tiger than a chimp. Every screenwriter feels the other way apparently.

  2. Hmmmm, I wonder if the script for Every Which Way But Loose is on-line? I want to see the lines for the orangutan,.

    ORANGUTAN: [slaps head].
    ORANGUTAN: [purses lips and blows].
    ORANGUTAN: [spins around].
    ORANGUTAN: [slaps head].

    Or is it all just improv?

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