I’ve Had it With Pa$$w0rds.

I’m done with high security passwords. I didn’t survive the 5th grade and learn how to read and write so I could generate a dozen passwords that I have to remember some how. Everything I do these days requires a password.  They used to let you use a simple easy to remember one, now it’s just easier to mash the key board until the little password-o-meter goes green and then you can order your new socks online. I don’t work at NORAD and I don’t have time for this crap.

I used to use one password for everything, then I watched some stupid news piece about how that is about the dumbest thing I could do and I should call my bank immediately and make sure some hackers in Nigeria weren’t having a money party on my dime. They also said I should make sure I wasn’t in a bath of ice missing my kidneys.

So now I have to keep track of at least half a dozen passwords that all look like this: qot78r34y9ht0q)(*&^%$^&*.

And… if you are going to make me have all these complicated passwords at least believe me when I know them for Pete’s sake. I was recently fishing in Mexico for a week and when I first got to the small village of El Sargento the only communications working were at an internet cafe. There had been a hurricane earlier and everything was not back to life yet. So I go to the internet cafe to contact my wife to let her know I’m alive.

I enter my password for my email, and instead the internet password Nazi brigade says “enter the code we texted you to ensure this is you” I’m in a tiny village in Mexico with no cell service. “God damn it” I say loudly enough that I get some looks. “Ok, fine, I’ll just use Facebook” Nope they try to text me too. Then I try my other account, same damn thing. At this point I’m ready to break things, when I have an idea. I’ll set up a new free email account and just use that so that my wife doesn’t worry.

I get through the set up process and then type a lovely email and hit send. “It appears this account is being accessed from outside of the United States, please enter the code we texted you to continue”

Pardon my language but “dammit, fuckity fuck fucking arrrrrrrrrghhhhh”. Why have a password if you don’t believe it???? The account was created out of the United States you frigging robotic retards.

All I could imagine at that point was a scenario where I’d been kidnapped, and the rats that shared my space had chewed through my bindings drawn in by the dried blood. Then I used my brief window to reach an unguarded computer and fire off a desperate email hoping that it reaches anyone who can send in a Leer Jet SWAT team of mercenaries to save my miserable hide. “Please enter the code we just texted you…”

password

I saw my own head off to save them the trouble.

 

5 thoughts on “I’ve Had it With Pa$$w0rds.

  1. The iPad requires that you enter a four digit pin number every time you begin using it. iPhones do the same.

    So begins my tale of woe…. I bought a clever little bluetooth keyboard because I do not like tapping glass. The keyboard, of course, is so clever that doesn’t really have an on-off switch. It has a kinda on/kinda off [we know better than you] switch. So when rushing out the door, I tossed the iPad and the keyboard into the same computer bag. BIG MISTAKE. The keyboard was on and the wall of the bag depressed the keys which transmitted a steady stream of keystrokes to the iPad (that was waiting for a pin number).

    The keystrokes exceeded the iPad’s security retry count and the great minds at Apple decided that doing that should lock up my iPad PERMANENTLY. I lost everything. I had to struggle to get it back to factory settings.

    No, I did not have it backed up. I use it like an appliance, so I anticipated the loss. Still, it is an example of Apple hubris. All they had to do was lock it for 24 hours each time the retry count was exceeded. That is what everyone else does.

  2. I have a little black book. Sometimes I can’t find it! What I hate is when you go into your bank accounts from a different computer you have to answer security questions. And they are verrrry sensitive. Now I need a little black book for security questions! ~Elle

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