Being a smart-ass from a family of smart-asses is not always as easy as one may think. Oh sure any amateur can whip out a “smooth move ex-lax” or “no shit Sherlock” in a bush league attempt at smart-assery. But to really be a master you have to actually be a grade “A” smart ass. It’s something you’re born with and is honed by other smart asses when you are very young.

This means you can’t turn it off. Oh you may be able to temper it in a feeble effort to keep from getting divorced, fired or beat-up on a regular basis, but it’s always there. Just beneath the surface of a true smart ass are a million witty remarks and jokes struggling to get out. The normal people around you keep talking and all you can think of is a million remarks and jokes based on the sounds coming out of their heads.

Not sure if you are a born smart ass? Here is a quick quiz to help you decide if you can wear the sacred “Butt with a Motarboard” (that’s a graduation cap for the pro-wrestling crowd) pin.

Dodo's were nature's smart-asses.

Dodo’s were nature’s smart-asses.

1. Have you ever thought yourself to be the complete charming life of a cocktail party only to realize that the replies to your witty observations are getting less funny and more just plain mean or threatening? You totally were killing it, and thoroughly enjoying the jovial repartee, and then suddenly you have to leave?

2. Jokes at funerals? I know that was a good one, but only share it with other true smart asses in your immediate family. In the case of our family, on dad’s side, that’s pretty much everyone. Our grandmother’s funeral was like open mic night. Tears of laughter. It’s how we do emotion.

3. Does being on Facebook after drinking mean you’ll have one or two fewer “friends” in the morning? Is this occasionally the case even when you haven’t been drinking?

4. Have you ever sat through a job interview biting your lip to contain the non-professional stuff you were dying to say?

5. Did you spend a large amount of time in a principal or vice-principal’s office in school without ever really understanding where you went wrong? “How is it my fault that’s his name?! You should be blaming his mother – this is really HER fault if you think about it.”

6. Try out some jokes on the cops ever? “Arrows? I didn’t even see any Indians!” or “wrong way is a little judgmental, don’tcha think officer?” “Have I been drinking? Not yet, but if you’re buying, I’m in.” “Wait owww no tazing owww.”

7. Do you attempt humor to defuse a pissed-off significant other? Are you still surprised it never works?

8. Does your blog irritate the hell out of your beloved grandma?

9. Do you have trouble turning off the jokes even when they are endangering your safety, with regards to a larger person who is not “funny.”

10. Did you ever tell a telemarketer you just came from your own funeral and then have yourself show up as deceased on a credit check?

If you answered yes to more than 5 of these, I think you and I need to have a beer and make fun of people together.

9 thoughts on “Smart-Assery

  1. 7. Do you attempt humor to defuse a pissed-off significant other? Are you still surprised it never works?

    Still wondering why it doesn’t work and why she keeps calling me clueless. Several people have tried to explain. You know, it’s kinda clueless to tell someone they are clueless when that is what you are trying to explain. It’s like a dictionary using the word it is defining in the definition. I’ll never get that.

  2. And now you can add 11. Ever run that post about being a smartass instead of the really nice one about MOM you were SUPPOSED TO RUN because it’s mother’s day weekend!?? Jesus, it’s like having Fozzie Bear for a writing partner.

  3. Pingback: Because Spanking is Passe but Psychological Torture Never Goes out of Style | Milk & Whiskey

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