It turns out my mother was once young. I know, weren’t we all? Happens to the best of us. In those halcyon days of long hair, short skirts and, i don’t know, patchouli, my dad taught her how to skimboard. I’m picturing 1960’s flower children frolicking in the surf and listening to…wait, did they have portable music back then? Probably some guy with a guitar, then.
In my mom’s version of the story, she was a natural skimboarder. She could have gone pro but she wanted to maintain her amateur status so she could skimboard in the Olympics. Given her later acquired “expertise” at rollerblading, I have a feeling tales of her talent may have been somewhat exaggerated, especially after checking back issues of Skimboarding Quarterly.
Fast forward approximately twenty years. It’s the eighties. Mom’s foregone the ironed straight locks for a truly amazing permed mullet situation. She’s sporting some bright white linen harem pants and a silk, batik top – the picture of summer elegance. It’s been a long, hot day and our little family unit is off for a dusk stroll along the shore.
We come upon an abandoned skimboard, being carried in by the rising tide.
Whiskey’s eyes light up. “Cool!”
Mom’s eyes light up, too – a chance to show her pre-adolescent son just how cool she can be. “I’m great at this! It’s so easy – watch.”
She runs a few steps and hops onto the board, which promptly shoots out from under her like a greased thighmaster. In half a second, mom is on her ass in the Pacific Ocean. Not deep, just enough to soak her pants completely through. The sun is going down. The wind is picking up.
She stands, dripping, and looks down at herself. Did I mention that she was wearing white pants? It’s pretty tough to gather your dignity when you appear to be naked from the waste down.
“Fantastic. I’m gonna need you to stand in front and you in back of me until we get home. Then, we never speak of this again.”
So begins a long and uncomfortable (for mom, hilarious for us) walk back to our rented beach house, along the mostly quiet streets of residential Santa Cruz. Whiskey takes the lead, looking pointedly forward, just at that age when it’s tough to tell if this is the most hilarious or the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened in his entire life – ever. I pull up the rear, so to speak, diligently trying to walk close enough to cover mom’s ass without stepping on her heels. She’s looking pretty grim. And cold.
“Mom,” I say kindly, hoping to cheer her up. “It’s not so bad. You look like one of those pretty ladies who walk the streets at night and make men happy.”
Compliments fix everything.
Milk & Whiskey 
Now THAT was inspiring! Once I have my core strength back from my once a week Aqua Aerobics class driven by the seriously frightening whistling Marta, I will regain my skimboarding throne. So motivated!
I wish my girls could have seen me try the trapeze. May have to go back when I’m forty. I’m sure I’ll be great at it.
BWAAHAHAAAAAA
I still ride a skateboard, but I know enough not to try anything tricky these days.
I tried riding a wet linoleum floor once…. with similar results.
Had to retire the white pants, huh?
Damn would I love to have the core strength I had when I was good at skimming (which I was). Something tells me that without a personal trainer and a lot more intestinal fortitude, we old folks can kiss that goodbye and save a lot of effort (and possible trips to ER)! I’m just happy to still be climbing! The old balance has not gotten shakie yet!
Mom assures me you were terrible. Only the ladies were ever REALLY good at skimming.
The boys were eaten by the teeny tiny waves, repeatedly crashing face down in the gritty sand. The girls were at one with the Pacific and floated gracefully over the sand for miles on a slim sheet of water, like lithe ballerinas. I could go on but that about sums it up. Even on the 20 pound Eric the Great board.
Hilarious post as always, but I have just one question: Is beach wine different from regular wine? I need answers. If I drink it and i’m not on the beach will it make me think that i’m on the beach? Because I am definitely here for that.
Beach wine is just wine in a travel coffee mug. So sand doesn’t get in it. Beaches are great apart from all that damned sand, you know?
Sangria is the most beachy wine ever. If you drink it in a travel mug in your backyard or on the front porch it will transport you to a semi-tropical isle. Just add sand.
I think this post made me pee my pants in public. Lol. You guys should seriously write a book. F*ing hilarious. Now I just love you all more.
Still waiting for that book deal offer to fall at my feet. Feel free to share my writtens with any and all publisher friends 😉
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