In an alternate universe, Whiskey was once given a job writing copy for travel brochures and postcards, etc. Here is why he no longer is asked to do this:
Visit Long Beach California. Neck Tattoo Capital of SoCal!
Texas! Why Not?
Orlando Florida, “Vegas for Mormons.”
Branson Missouri, “We can drive there!”
Arizona “Sunlight is Cocaine for Rattlesnakes!”
Arizona, “Buy a gun, stay for the fun”
Far off Australia. “Really, really, really far off.”
San Francisco, “Panhandler’s Paradise!”
Australia, Where everything is trying to kill you.
Australia, “Have you been on a longer flight? How? Are you an astronaut?”
Russia. “F*ck it, pass the vodka”
Exotic Panama, “David Lee Roth’s Paradise.”
Panama, “Those bites will heal in a month, senor”
Mexico! “You’ll lose your head over it!”
Visit Exotic, Exciting Sudan… “Just kidding, we’re f*cking with you.”
Wyoming. “Be alone, very alone. And maybe go fly fishing.”
Alaska, “Are you here to make money, kill an animal, or hide from something? No? You must be a reality show!”
Columbia, “Mostly safe now.”
Tijuana, “Let’s Blackout!”
Reno, Nevada, “Everything’s Clicking Now!”
Central Africa “Nice Knowing You!”
Nigeria, “No, we don’t have the money you sent us.”
Venice Italy, “While it’s still above water!”
Virginia, “You can smoke freely.”
READER CHALLENGE: Leave your own travel snark in the comments and Whiskey will make postcards of the best. Do your worst, fellow travelers.
Plenty of room after half of us moved to Los Angeles
Not everyone wakes up in a bathtub full of ice with only one kidney
All cross country drug trafficking goes through here
Lots of pot, not so many fill sets of teeth
Visit the Beautiful Oregon Coast! Bring a sweater. And a parka. And an umbrella. And thermal underwear.
Taipei, perfect place to Taiwan on.
You’re not allowed to play M.I.L.K.
France- Ah, Paris, enjoy the fine dining where even the bread is aloof.
Munich – the only place an enchilada/taco plate comes with sour kraut.
Copenhagen – hungry? fish for breakfast, fish for lunch, fresh tuna pizzas for dinner!
The Twin Cities Metropolitan Mosquito Control District “Then in his infinite mercy, God made winter”
This one is real. Mexico “So far from God, so close to the United States”