Our friend Ben found a newborn rattlesnake on his property the other day, when his dog (named pig dog) almost stepped on it. Now Ben did what most people would who get surprised by a rattler do, and jumped around shrieking like a little girl. (note, Whiskey was not there so this can’t be confirmed and will probably be denied by Ben but we are going with it)  Next he did something amazing. Rather than kill the little guy as most people feel is procedure when discovering a rattlesnake on their property; he captured it and put it in Tupperware. The snake kept nice and fresh for the night probably due to proper use of the burp valve.  In the morning he found a nature center that was happy to let the little guy move onto it’s land.  This is heartwarming to me because I have a soft spot for misunderstood animals.  Stuff of children’s books I know.

Abducted baby rattlesnake having it’s mind blown

Here is that story from the snakes perspective. His name is Albert, he is now a grown snake and is hanging out at “The Bent Fang” a snake dive bar and telling the tale.

“Hey is this seat taken?” Carlos a Mexican rattler up from Baja and just passing through asks.

“no stranger, help yourself” Albert says, a slightly vacant look in his eyes.

The bartender slithers over gives Carlos a drink and hisses “Al, don’t bore this guy to death”

“you weren’t there Leslie” mutters Albert

“what do you mean?” asks Carlos

“aliens, they are real.” Al says this with the blend of certainty and boredom that comes from telling the truth over and over and over and over.

“you guys are messing with me” laughs Carlos

“he’s full of shit, just ignore him. This story can go on for hours and no local will listen to it anymore” Leslie says as he side-winds to the other end of the bar.

Carlos sits there for a couple minutes contemplating his drink, wondering how rude it would be to change seats, yet he is  slightly curious about the “alien thing”.  He looks around the dim snake pit, his gaze pausing on a risque painting of a female Cascabela. His eyes keep panning the room until he accidentally gets caught in Albert’s stare.

“I was just a kid” Albert says

“pardon?” Carlos replies thinking “oh shit now I’m in for it”.  Leslie glances over and rolls his slitted eyes.

“I was a baby, a button tail,  I’d only killed twice and I was just minding my own business on a warm patch of ground” Albert had a thousand yard stare.

“uhhh” Carlos started to speak.

“there I was, all of a sudden my pit sensors light up like something huge is above me, then a cold force grabs me and I’m trapped. It was a force field of some kind, I could see but I couldn’t taste the air anymore and if I tried to move I hit this invisible wall” Albert had the flat affect of the over medicated.

“I was in there for hours, I lost track of time, I was transported in some crazy vehicle at astounding speeds. Then they dumped me off near here.” “I haven’t seen my family since, I may have been…  probed”
Albert looks Carlos dead in the eye. “Well I’m just a nut job… just like they all say” He slithers out into the day.

Traveling at speeds not usually attained by serpents

“check please” Says Carlos.

“see you tomorrow Al” Leslie yells out the door.

The moral of this story is be kind to animals and please don’t probe the snakes.

Freedom and a lifetime of therapy.

All photographs courtesy of Ben Pescado (aka Flappy Platypus) and remain his property. The snake’s actual name is “Button”