Cleaning Tips for the Pathologically Dysfunctional

Cleaning is hard. Don't bother.

Cleaning is hard. Best not to bother.

I’m not a neat person, and I’m a straight-up terrible housekeeper. It’s probably quite sad watching me try to clean (and not just because watching someone try to clean would be a depressing way to spend your day).

How I clean: I pick up something and think to myself, “this goes in the garbage!” and so I start walking to the garbage, holding the tissue or gum wrapper or bottle cap. But along the way, I’ll see an abandoned sock. “This goes in the laundry!” I think, and pick it up and start walking in THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Away from the garbage can. Still clutching my tissue/gum-wrapper/bottle-cap in my other hand. And that’s when I’ll see the new toothpaste I bought three days before and left on the dining room table for some reason. “This goes in the bathroom!” This can go on all day.

It’s a mental disorder. I would medicate it if I could (is bourbon still considered medicine?). Instead, it takes me all day to clean a disaster (weeks in the making) that could have been cleaned by a more efficient person in minutes. 5 minutes a day, probably, according to something I disregarded on Pinterest (Do you know the most efficient way to dust a baseboard? DO YOU!?).

Right now, I just got the baby down for a nap, surveyed the house, and immediately gave up. I’ll just do some laundry and then leave a broom out and move the garbage can into the dining room – then it’ll look like I tried to clean and my dear husband will pity me when he gets home and make me a drink.

That’s my cleaning tip for the truly dysfunctional, by the way. Make it look like you tried.

Good thing I can cook, or I’d totally get fired from this SaHM gig.

Pretending to clean is EXHAUSTING. I definitely earned a drink.

Pretending to clean is EXHAUSTING. I definitely earned a drink.

7 thoughts on “Cleaning Tips for the Pathologically Dysfunctional

  1. Love this post. Amazing. And sadly true. Ever tried the “put it all in the garage” approach? It’s a fast fix for when in-laws are coming over. Or the “Whatever is on the floor in ten minutes is going in the trash” approach? That works on my 6 year old. And my husband.

    • I just start sweeping and announce that anything I CAN sweep into the trash, I WILL sweep into the trash. Then the Madness gets to panicked grabbing up of things…and moving them slightly farther away. Still on the floor. Or on the couch. Sigh.

  2. I do clean, or at least the waist high things. The floor? It can go screw itself. Also, dusting. I hate dusting. I always get surprised that there is dust on my things that I haven’t used in a while. Like, this isn’t fair, I didn’t make that dirty, why is it dirty? Stupid dust.

    • YES! Dust, WTF? It’s like my entire house (and everyone in it) is decomposing all over the damn place, all the time, just to spite me. I’m starting to resent my cat, whom I suspect started the whole thing.

  3. There is such a simple fix for all of the clutter problems around the house. Stick all the clutter together, in one room; then shut the door. Viola! no more clutter, because if you can’t see it – it doesn’t exist. And, for the 10 thousandth time – hire a housekeeper to do the “underneath” cleaning. You can sell this to the husband by positioning it as a disease prevention measure. Dust and dirt that gathers in your house (no fault of yours) are potential health risks for the entire family (especially dangerous to the children). Isn’t he worried about his children’s health? …

  4. My Saint Bernard of a peeve: shit left on the floor. The 3 year old is the worst for this – I’ve watched him walk up to the table and sweep a bunch of paper, toys, magazines, whatever he can reach, onto the floor and just walk away. As soon as he climbs on the couch he kicks off all of the cushions. And both the boys leave clothes on the floor wherever they’ve taken them off. I now pack toys away in a box if I find them on the floor, and things have improved a bit, but I need more boxes.

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