Twelve modern parental cliches: things I’m going to bore my kids with in the future.

1. We didn’t have an internet!  “We had to look stuff up in libraries! what do you mean, “what”? It’s a building full of books… that’s it, get in the damn car, we’re going downtown.”

2. I had to get firewood off a woodpile in the dark.  “And yes, there were spiders…and probably a werewolf watching me.”

3. I had to split said firewood with a twelve pound maul!  “It’s like an axe. Ask grampa, he made me do it.”

4. No Helmets.  “no shit. OK, mom bought me one but it lived in the bushes around the corner. Besides the helmets you have now actually look kinda cool, would you wear white styrofoam with red reflective tape three inches thick?”

5. Two words: Lawn Darts “OK, they were already banned when we found them, but damn…”

6. Your aunt got all the nice gifts.

(Note from said Aunt: *eye roll* Yeah, your dad always coveted my Strawberry Shortcake dolls. On that note, when I was a kid, Strawberry Shortcake didn’t look like a tarted up tween with more disposable income than brains.  *shrug* I did get a rad bike, though.)

(Note from Whiskey.  They leased her a horse.  A friggin horse.  I think she rode it twice. Daddy got a bus pass.)

7. Star Wars?  Just three movies.  “I know, it kinda got out of hand”

8. I had to get grampa beers from the fridge all day on weekends. “And I’m feeling a little parched, buddy…” (Another Auntie M Note: And kids were basically the first remote control. If Gramps wanted to watch another of those 12 channels, he’d send one of us.)

9. I didn’t have to listen to all my friends complain about gluten.  “Yes it was peaceful”

(Auntie M: So says Mr. lactose intolerant!)

10. The SF Giants were terrible.  “take off that Dodgers cap, I swear to God I’ll…”

11. Grampa taught me to shift left handed!  “oh so he didn’t have to put down his beverage, or Slim Jim, or Mars bars I was his little automatic transmission.”

12. People were terrified of the microwave.  “now go play with your 3D printer… and stop making weapons with it!”

BONUS 13. PUSH MOWERS… you will never know such pain.

(Aunty M adds: You know what we watched when there was nothing on? NOTHING. Because there was NOTHING ON. I swear to God that happened. And commercials…don’t even get me started on commercials.)