What do Men and Giving Birth Have in Common? NOTHING.

So why all the male Obstetricians? I assume the daily grind of staring up lady parts is the price you pay for getting to cut someone open, like, every other day, but I don’t know. All I know is I’ve given birth twice now, which obviously entitles me to make sweeping generalizations about the birth experience for everyone, and I say men suck at delivering babies.

With the Madness, the doc-on-duty was a guy who came into my room for about thirty seconds. Just long enough to roll his eyes at my natural birth-plan and remind me that there was only so much time to sneak in that epidural or “a little something to take the edge off.” A couple hours later I was pushing out the Madness into the waiting hands of a midwife who was in the right place at the right time, since Doctor Douchebagel* was busy elsewhere and I refused to NOT push. Really. Who holds in a baby? If a taxi-driver can catch a baby, a nurse can catch a baby. “Don’t push.” Please.Image

Enter Jo-Jo Bean. Birth #2. This time the doc shuffles in, pulls up a stool, and starts chatting at me about running Imagemarathons. F*ing marathons. I’m trying to be all Zen and hypno-breathe nine pounds of person out of me and this guy is talking about his hobbies? This is not a first date! I haul myself up on my elbows and snap “Yeah? You ever give birth?” I didn’t think so. Honestly. He’s lucky my knees were in my armpits or I might’ve kicked him in the teeth.

And then, when it’s all over, he tries to sew me up. Without anesthetic. “Oh, I forgot you didn’t have an epidural!” You know who doesn’t forget that kind of thing?

A woman.

*Names have been changed to satisfy the author’s inner child.

2 thoughts on “What do Men and Giving Birth Have in Common? NOTHING.

  1. Doctor Douchebagel! Love it. For my youngest we went with a gynaecologist (mistakenly thought we had to with health insurance) and I thought he was a massive dick. I got to the birthing suite when I was about 7cm, he eventually breezed in, talked to the midwife (DID NOT EVEN SAY HELLO TO ME) then went off to the doctor’s lounge until seconds before somebody had to catch the baby. Roars is 3 and that still pisses me off! I got great satisfaction out of always calling him Doctor Cheese – his surname sounds like ‘pecorino’.

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